Chapter Five: The Relationship With Your Child

Parents, here's a news flash -- it's a bad idea to be friends with your kid. You are the authority figure. You will never get the respect you deserve as long as you try to be your kid's friend.

If this is the kind of relationship you want to have with your kid, you won't get it by being their friend.

Because you need to remember one very important thing: Kids are mean. They're jerks. And they go from friend to friend to friend based on their mood, what they look like, and what kind of shoes they're wearing every day. They're fickle. Kids suck. So understand right away that you cannot be your child's friend.

 You have to build a respectful relationship with your kids. I mean, by all means, have fun with them for sure. Read/watch Harry Potter with them, support their extracurricular interests, generally be nice to them. I mean, they're your kids. You love them. But what it comes down to is that your job is to provide the best for your child so that he or she grows up to be a functioning, decent, and productive member of society, because you love them. That is your job. And if that's not why you are having children, you shouldn't be having children (to be discussed further in a later chapter).

If you want to raise your kids well, you have to set boundaries, like my parents did. Now, I love my parents. I love hanging out with them when I'm home, in fact I spend most of my nights off hanging out with my parents. My mom says I'm her best friend. I think that's weird. But they are not my friends. They are my parents. When I screw up, they scare the crap out of me. I am always scared of my parents. Out of respect. But that doesn't mean I don't go to them for help when I need it, I always do. It's because I know they have my best interests at heart, and unlike a friend, they will tell me what I did wrong, how I can fix it, and lecture me so that hopefully I don't make the same mistake twice. That's how parents should be.

If I have clothing on that looks bad on me, whether it makes me look fat or stupid, my mother will let me know. She will say "No Bean, you are not walking out of the house like that." It ticks me off, but in the end I know that she wants the best for me, and she won't let me look sloppy or like trash.

This is how girls look who have their mothers as friends:

"Oh yeah girlfran!!! You look so cute!"

This is the epitome of a decent young woman who wasn't friends with her mother:

So classy.

The thing about parents who want to be friends with their kid, is that their goal is for their child to be cool. (Because muffin tops are cool?) You're not supposed to want your kid to be cool. That's not your job. Cool is not cool. Look at Jackie Kennedy. Do you think her mother cared about her being cool? NooOOoOoOOooo... she wanted her daughter to be successful. And do you know what she did? She married the future President of the United States. And then she married a billionaire. And she raised two successful, eloquent children. And she persevered through everything thrown her way. She was the most amazing woman ever to live. How COOL was she?!

Now back to muffin top girl. Where's she going? I don't even know.

If you're trying to make your kid cool, that's just sad. How can your kid respect you? Like, if that were me, I'd be like "Wow, my parent is lame. He/she needs to get a freaking life and stop trying to live through mine." Seriously. Your kid depends on you whether they recognize that or not. Hopefully they do, but they should if you establish early on that you are not there to be their friend. And that is all I have to say about that.

If you don't listen to me, this will be your future:

If you DO listen to me, you should expect something similar to this:

Chapter Four: Alcohol

People, your kids are probably going to drink before they are the legal age of 21 (if you live in 'Murika). I'm not here to tell you that they definitely will or definitely will not, it's just a possibility, and you have to be prepared either way. This chapter is here to tell you how to deal with the entire subject of alcohol, broken up into several sections...

1. Grade School
If your children have access to alcohol while they're in grade school, you are MESSED. UP. Your children should be exposed to alcohol at this age though. I'm not saying give your children alcohol, and I'm not saying to drink alcohol around your kids. I'm just saying to make them aware. I think if you pretend like there's no such thing as alcohol or wait for them to learn about it in health class, they're not really going to know the straight-up truth, so they need to know before they're around a bunch of kids who think it's the greatest thing ever. Because then they'll be negatively influenced and pressured, rather than be able to form their own opinions about it.

So I dunno how you want to expose them. You can drink in front of them, take them to dinner at a pub or bar, etc.

Let them watch The Hangover.


You know, whatever.

2. High School
High school is like, super crucial to the development of your child's attitude towards alcohol. Some parents don't give two craps whether their kids drink and their kids' friends drink, so they will encourage it and supply the alcohol. DO NOT BE THIS PARENT. First of all, it's illegal. And if you want to be a good parent, you set a good example and you follow the law. Second of all, just because you may not care if your underage child drinks, doesn't mean that the parents of another kid also shares that same position. So you have to honor and respect the way they choose to raise their child, whether the child ends up at your house or not. Thirdly, don't spoil your kids that way. Alcohol isn't cheap, make them buy their own alcohol. Oh wait, they can't, because they're underage...

Tell your kids how you really feel about them consuming alcoholic beverages. If you really don't care what they drink, let them know. But don't feel that way just because you want to be your kid's friend. You should never want to be a friend over a parent. That is wrong wrong wrong wrong. You have to be the authority figure while they live under your roof and you pay for their crap (to be discussed further in another chapter...). However, if you are truly fine with your kids drinking, do make sure that they understand not to leave the place they are drinking. Far too many accidents happen, and they need to be safe. And it's YOUR JOB to ensure that they make wise choices. On the other hand, if you do not allow your child to consume alcohol at this age, make sure they understand why. If you work hard to establish a good relationship with your kid, hopefully they will respect you enough to honor your wishes. Either way, know that your child may or may not listen to you, and you have to be prepared for a situation you might not be happy with.

3. College
They say everyone drinks in college. False. A lot do, but not everyone. And if your kid chooses to go to the best university in the world, Susquehanna University, Admissions and current students will be honest about alcohol on the campus. As a tour guide, I get a lot of parents who expect their kids will drink, and a lot of parents who expect that everyone, even students over 21, have never been in the presence of alcohol before in their life.

Here's the thing about college. Depending on where your kid goes, the rules might be a little different. Your child will be a legal adult at this point, and be around other legal adults, some of which are legally able to buy alcohol. So I mean, be aware of that. At this point, you should trust your child to make his or her own personal decisions about alcohol, and just hope that they are responsible. It's not wrong to remind them that they are in college primarily for their education, but you also have to understand that it's also for a socially good time.

And while your idea of a good time might be knitting scarves, playing bridge, or doing homework, your child might have other ideas.

Like doing other things.

4. Four Loko
There is this new energy drink/alcoholic beverage that you should be aware of. It's called Four Loko, and it is the worst drink ever invented.

Do not allow your kids to drink it, even if they're 29. No one should drink this drink. It is as bad for your health as Twilight.

Visit this site and watch this video to learn more: CLICK HERE

But wait, there's more! You can ensure the safety of your kids from this horrible drink by keeping them away from this person, pictured here: