Chapter Five: The Relationship With Your Child

Parents, here's a news flash -- it's a bad idea to be friends with your kid. You are the authority figure. You will never get the respect you deserve as long as you try to be your kid's friend.

If this is the kind of relationship you want to have with your kid, you won't get it by being their friend.

Because you need to remember one very important thing: Kids are mean. They're jerks. And they go from friend to friend to friend based on their mood, what they look like, and what kind of shoes they're wearing every day. They're fickle. Kids suck. So understand right away that you cannot be your child's friend.

 You have to build a respectful relationship with your kids. I mean, by all means, have fun with them for sure. Read/watch Harry Potter with them, support their extracurricular interests, generally be nice to them. I mean, they're your kids. You love them. But what it comes down to is that your job is to provide the best for your child so that he or she grows up to be a functioning, decent, and productive member of society, because you love them. That is your job. And if that's not why you are having children, you shouldn't be having children (to be discussed further in a later chapter).

If you want to raise your kids well, you have to set boundaries, like my parents did. Now, I love my parents. I love hanging out with them when I'm home, in fact I spend most of my nights off hanging out with my parents. My mom says I'm her best friend. I think that's weird. But they are not my friends. They are my parents. When I screw up, they scare the crap out of me. I am always scared of my parents. Out of respect. But that doesn't mean I don't go to them for help when I need it, I always do. It's because I know they have my best interests at heart, and unlike a friend, they will tell me what I did wrong, how I can fix it, and lecture me so that hopefully I don't make the same mistake twice. That's how parents should be.

If I have clothing on that looks bad on me, whether it makes me look fat or stupid, my mother will let me know. She will say "No Bean, you are not walking out of the house like that." It ticks me off, but in the end I know that she wants the best for me, and she won't let me look sloppy or like trash.

This is how girls look who have their mothers as friends:

"Oh yeah girlfran!!! You look so cute!"

This is the epitome of a decent young woman who wasn't friends with her mother:

So classy.

The thing about parents who want to be friends with their kid, is that their goal is for their child to be cool. (Because muffin tops are cool?) You're not supposed to want your kid to be cool. That's not your job. Cool is not cool. Look at Jackie Kennedy. Do you think her mother cared about her being cool? NooOOoOoOOooo... she wanted her daughter to be successful. And do you know what she did? She married the future President of the United States. And then she married a billionaire. And she raised two successful, eloquent children. And she persevered through everything thrown her way. She was the most amazing woman ever to live. How COOL was she?!

Now back to muffin top girl. Where's she going? I don't even know.

If you're trying to make your kid cool, that's just sad. How can your kid respect you? Like, if that were me, I'd be like "Wow, my parent is lame. He/she needs to get a freaking life and stop trying to live through mine." Seriously. Your kid depends on you whether they recognize that or not. Hopefully they do, but they should if you establish early on that you are not there to be their friend. And that is all I have to say about that.

If you don't listen to me, this will be your future:

If you DO listen to me, you should expect something similar to this:

Chapter Four: Alcohol

People, your kids are probably going to drink before they are the legal age of 21 (if you live in 'Murika). I'm not here to tell you that they definitely will or definitely will not, it's just a possibility, and you have to be prepared either way. This chapter is here to tell you how to deal with the entire subject of alcohol, broken up into several sections...

1. Grade School
If your children have access to alcohol while they're in grade school, you are MESSED. UP. Your children should be exposed to alcohol at this age though. I'm not saying give your children alcohol, and I'm not saying to drink alcohol around your kids. I'm just saying to make them aware. I think if you pretend like there's no such thing as alcohol or wait for them to learn about it in health class, they're not really going to know the straight-up truth, so they need to know before they're around a bunch of kids who think it's the greatest thing ever. Because then they'll be negatively influenced and pressured, rather than be able to form their own opinions about it.

So I dunno how you want to expose them. You can drink in front of them, take them to dinner at a pub or bar, etc.

Let them watch The Hangover.


You know, whatever.

2. High School
High school is like, super crucial to the development of your child's attitude towards alcohol. Some parents don't give two craps whether their kids drink and their kids' friends drink, so they will encourage it and supply the alcohol. DO NOT BE THIS PARENT. First of all, it's illegal. And if you want to be a good parent, you set a good example and you follow the law. Second of all, just because you may not care if your underage child drinks, doesn't mean that the parents of another kid also shares that same position. So you have to honor and respect the way they choose to raise their child, whether the child ends up at your house or not. Thirdly, don't spoil your kids that way. Alcohol isn't cheap, make them buy their own alcohol. Oh wait, they can't, because they're underage...

Tell your kids how you really feel about them consuming alcoholic beverages. If you really don't care what they drink, let them know. But don't feel that way just because you want to be your kid's friend. You should never want to be a friend over a parent. That is wrong wrong wrong wrong. You have to be the authority figure while they live under your roof and you pay for their crap (to be discussed further in another chapter...). However, if you are truly fine with your kids drinking, do make sure that they understand not to leave the place they are drinking. Far too many accidents happen, and they need to be safe. And it's YOUR JOB to ensure that they make wise choices. On the other hand, if you do not allow your child to consume alcohol at this age, make sure they understand why. If you work hard to establish a good relationship with your kid, hopefully they will respect you enough to honor your wishes. Either way, know that your child may or may not listen to you, and you have to be prepared for a situation you might not be happy with.

3. College
They say everyone drinks in college. False. A lot do, but not everyone. And if your kid chooses to go to the best university in the world, Susquehanna University, Admissions and current students will be honest about alcohol on the campus. As a tour guide, I get a lot of parents who expect their kids will drink, and a lot of parents who expect that everyone, even students over 21, have never been in the presence of alcohol before in their life.

Here's the thing about college. Depending on where your kid goes, the rules might be a little different. Your child will be a legal adult at this point, and be around other legal adults, some of which are legally able to buy alcohol. So I mean, be aware of that. At this point, you should trust your child to make his or her own personal decisions about alcohol, and just hope that they are responsible. It's not wrong to remind them that they are in college primarily for their education, but you also have to understand that it's also for a socially good time.

And while your idea of a good time might be knitting scarves, playing bridge, or doing homework, your child might have other ideas.

Like doing other things.

4. Four Loko
There is this new energy drink/alcoholic beverage that you should be aware of. It's called Four Loko, and it is the worst drink ever invented.

Do not allow your kids to drink it, even if they're 29. No one should drink this drink. It is as bad for your health as Twilight.

Visit this site and watch this video to learn more: CLICK HERE

But wait, there's more! You can ensure the safety of your kids from this horrible drink by keeping them away from this person, pictured here:

Chapter Three: Baby Names

This just might be the most crucial chapter ever written. I am completely serious.

Not only does it stick with your child for the rest of their life, but it also reflects the type of parent you are. So again, it's very, very crucial.

It's best to begin early. Before your little bundle of joy and poop arrives, you'll probably give it a nickname. This is fine. I know some people who are pregnant now who refer to their unborn children as "Boogie," "Stink," etc.

These are not fine.

Love your children, people. Even from the womb.

Once the kid is actually born, PICK A GOOD NAME. I have a story for you...

I had a teacher in high school, whose former student's brilliant mother named her Shithead.

Shithead.

Say that how YOU think, but it was actually pronounced "Sha-teed." Shithead's mother is such a smart shateed.

Pick a good name, folks. Preferably something beginning with "J" and ending with "ackie."

Chapter Two: Books and Reading

Reading is the most intellectual and fun activity ever. Ever.

I was read to very often by my family, and as a result learned to read well very early, as well as developed a very deep appreciation for literature.

Reading books is the best thing you can do, folks.

ANYWAY -- How this applies to you...

As a good parent, you should let your kid read whatever the heck they get their hands on. If there's controversy surrounding a particular book, don't forbid them from reading it. Rather, suggest the books that actually ARE on the "Banned Books" list. Those are the best books around.

Especially Harry Potter.

I don't understand why so many people have a problem with these books... It's a very big source of frustration in my life, understanding the problem with Harry Potter. Because let's get one thing straight -- Harry Potter encourages friendship, love, understanding, courage, and truth. What better messages do you want your kids to get out of reading?!?!?!

Romanticizing domestic abuse? Encouraging too serious of a relationship for minors? Glittering vampires?? (*Cough* Twilight *Cough*)

I mean, c'mon, America. Seriously? First of all, Harry Potter is incredibly well-written, whereas Twilight is just complete crap. And I can say this, because being the educated person I am trying to be, I have read all books from both series.

So parents, never ban your kids from reading anything. Not even Stephen King. Unless it's Twilight. That piece of crap should be banned from everyone. Always. It is the only book I would ever petition to be banned ever. It's just a waste of time. And no kid should ever read it. WASTE OF TIME AND MONEY. It's complete bull.

Anyway...

Encourage your kids to read. But don't force it on them, because then they won't read. Trust me, the greatest thrill you will probably ever get is having to ground your kids from buying books and reading, like my parents did one summer. (True story.)

Your kids might not be good at sports, but really, in the grand scheme of things, who really cares? Odds are, they're not going to be the next Tiger Woods anyway (HEY-O!), and what it really comes down to is education. Would you rather have your kid be able to hold an intellectual conversation, or be able to run around a field? Think about college. In a truly good and just world, all people who are academic would get the big scholarships and opportunities, instead of the meatheads who are good at a sport and so they get a free ride. (It really bothers me...) Because when you go to school, you go because you want to further your education, not play soccer!!!!!

Anyway. Books are great. Here's a list of recommended books for your kids...

Kids age 0-5:

• Anything by Dr. Seuss
• Any of the "Little Critter" books by Mercer Mayer
• The Bernstein Bears
• Harry Potter
• Not Twilight

Kids age 6-11:

• The Boxcar Children
• Ramona Quimby
• Ralph S. Mouse
• Goosebumps
• Dear America
• American Girl books
• The Baby-Sitters Club
• Nancy Drew
• Harry Potter
• Not Twilight

Kids age 12-14:

• Peter Pan
• Stargirl
• Maniac Magee
• Number the Stars
• Harry Potter
• Not Twilight

Kids age 15+:

• The Lord of the Rings
• Siddhartha
• Brave New World
• 1984
• Anything by Charles Dickens, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Jane Austen, Khaled Housseini, and Stephen King
• Night
• The Bell Jar
• The Princess Diaries
• The Princess Bride
• Johnny Got His Gun
• Everything is Illuminated
• Wicked
• The Scarlet Letter
• Harry Potter
• Not Twilight

Chapter One: The Rule of Strollers

Strollers are man's worst nightmare. There's a simple rule when it comes to them, and if you listen to me and do what I say, then the world will know peace...

Strollers are sent from Satan himself. Do not buy one.

Here's the thing with strollers -- the only people they ever really benefit are children themselves. Stollers do not make anything easy for you. Here's why:

• They take up room in your car
• They cost a lot of money
• Children outgrow them pretty quickly
• Once they learn how to walk, what the heck do you really need them for anyway?
• They get in everyone's way

Plus so many more reasons.

I know I'm only 20 years old (21 in less than 2 months now!!!), but trust me, I know my stuff. I just don't see the practicality in using strollers. They are a piece of crap. When I get married and have babies, I will not be in ownership of a stupid stroller. If I'm going somewhere where my kids need a stroller because they can't walk, then they just won't come.

Like Disney World.

If you need a stroller for your kids at Disney World, then they're too young to go anyway. They can't ride the fun rides, and they're too young to even be able to remember the trip in the first place. So you tried really hard to give your kids a great childhood memory, and they don't even remember it anyway. Think of all the money wasted! That's like watching the Eagles win the Super Bowl but missing it because you're totally wasted and it's the one thing you don't remember. Don't waste your money for your kids to have a drunken memory.

You can't even ride the cool rides because who's going to watch your kid? Donald Duck? I don't think so. I saw a friend almost get kicked out of Disney Land because he tried to dance with Belle. If Belle wouldn't dance with someone, I really doubt Donald Duck would baby-sit Jimmy and Sally while you're hooping it up on Rockin' Rollercoaster. I really doubt it.

Anyway, make your kids walk. These days, kids are getting obese anyways. They could really use the excersise. It's best to start them early.

Contrary to popular belief, strollers are not necessary for your children. It's best to start early teaching them how to sacrifice and appreciate the little things. I mean, I was a spoiled little brat and used strollers way later than I should have (that is, I shouldn't have ever used them in the FIRST place). My parents, Stephen Colbert bless them, are truly great. But they made one really big mistake very early on in my life, and that was keeping me in a stroller.

So anyway, strollers are evil. I hate them.

But if strollers happen to be your thing, then I mean. Go to it. But don't be offended if I glare at you and get annoyed with you. Not just me, but the rest of the stroller-hating world. We hate strollers, and we are strong and mighty.

Seriously, if you want to be a good parent, don't do it. Just don't.