This just might be the most crucial chapter ever written. I am completely serious.
Not only does it stick with your child for the rest of their life, but it also reflects the type of parent you are. So again, it's very, very crucial.
It's best to begin early. Before your little bundle of joy and poop arrives, you'll probably give it a nickname. This is fine. I know some people who are pregnant now who refer to their unborn children as "Boogie," "Stink," etc.
These are not fine.
Love your children, people. Even from the womb.
Once the kid is actually born, PICK A GOOD NAME. I have a story for you...
I had a teacher in high school, whose former student's brilliant mother named her Shithead.
Shithead.
Say that how YOU think, but it was actually pronounced "Sha-teed." Shithead's mother is such a smart shateed.
Pick a good name, folks. Preferably something beginning with "J" and ending with "ackie."
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Chapter Two: Books and Reading
Reading is the most intellectual and fun activity ever. Ever.
I was read to very often by my family, and as a result learned to read well very early, as well as developed a very deep appreciation for literature.
Reading books is the best thing you can do, folks.
ANYWAY -- How this applies to you...
As a good parent, you should let your kid read whatever the heck they get their hands on. If there's controversy surrounding a particular book, don't forbid them from reading it. Rather, suggest the books that actually ARE on the "Banned Books" list. Those are the best books around.
Especially Harry Potter.
I don't understand why so many people have a problem with these books... It's a very big source of frustration in my life, understanding the problem with Harry Potter. Because let's get one thing straight -- Harry Potter encourages friendship, love, understanding, courage, and truth. What better messages do you want your kids to get out of reading?!?!?!
Romanticizing domestic abuse? Encouraging too serious of a relationship for minors? Glittering vampires?? (*Cough* Twilight *Cough*)
I mean, c'mon, America. Seriously? First of all, Harry Potter is incredibly well-written, whereas Twilight is just complete crap. And I can say this, because being the educated person I am trying to be, I have read all books from both series.
So parents, never ban your kids from reading anything. Not even Stephen King. Unless it's Twilight. That piece of crap should be banned from everyone. Always. It is the only book I would ever petition to be banned ever. It's just a waste of time. And no kid should ever read it. WASTE OF TIME AND MONEY. It's complete bull.
Anyway...
Encourage your kids to read. But don't force it on them, because then they won't read. Trust me, the greatest thrill you will probably ever get is having to ground your kids from buying books and reading, like my parents did one summer. (True story.)
Your kids might not be good at sports, but really, in the grand scheme of things, who really cares? Odds are, they're not going to be the next Tiger Woods anyway (HEY-O!), and what it really comes down to is education. Would you rather have your kid be able to hold an intellectual conversation, or be able to run around a field? Think about college. In a truly good and just world, all people who are academic would get the big scholarships and opportunities, instead of the meatheads who are good at a sport and so they get a free ride. (It really bothers me...) Because when you go to school, you go because you want to further your education, not play soccer!!!!!
Anyway. Books are great. Here's a list of recommended books for your kids...
Kids age 0-5:
I was read to very often by my family, and as a result learned to read well very early, as well as developed a very deep appreciation for literature.
Reading books is the best thing you can do, folks.
ANYWAY -- How this applies to you...
As a good parent, you should let your kid read whatever the heck they get their hands on. If there's controversy surrounding a particular book, don't forbid them from reading it. Rather, suggest the books that actually ARE on the "Banned Books" list. Those are the best books around.
Especially Harry Potter.
I don't understand why so many people have a problem with these books... It's a very big source of frustration in my life, understanding the problem with Harry Potter. Because let's get one thing straight -- Harry Potter encourages friendship, love, understanding, courage, and truth. What better messages do you want your kids to get out of reading?!?!?!
Romanticizing domestic abuse? Encouraging too serious of a relationship for minors? Glittering vampires?? (*Cough* Twilight *Cough*)
I mean, c'mon, America. Seriously? First of all, Harry Potter is incredibly well-written, whereas Twilight is just complete crap. And I can say this, because being the educated person I am trying to be, I have read all books from both series.
So parents, never ban your kids from reading anything. Not even Stephen King. Unless it's Twilight. That piece of crap should be banned from everyone. Always. It is the only book I would ever petition to be banned ever. It's just a waste of time. And no kid should ever read it. WASTE OF TIME AND MONEY. It's complete bull.
Anyway...
Encourage your kids to read. But don't force it on them, because then they won't read. Trust me, the greatest thrill you will probably ever get is having to ground your kids from buying books and reading, like my parents did one summer. (True story.)
Your kids might not be good at sports, but really, in the grand scheme of things, who really cares? Odds are, they're not going to be the next Tiger Woods anyway (HEY-O!), and what it really comes down to is education. Would you rather have your kid be able to hold an intellectual conversation, or be able to run around a field? Think about college. In a truly good and just world, all people who are academic would get the big scholarships and opportunities, instead of the meatheads who are good at a sport and so they get a free ride. (It really bothers me...) Because when you go to school, you go because you want to further your education, not play soccer!!!!!
Anyway. Books are great. Here's a list of recommended books for your kids...
Kids age 0-5:
- Anything by Dr. Seuss
- Any of the "Little Critter" books by Mercer Mayer
- The Bernstein Bears
- Harry Potter
- Not Twilight
- The Boxcar Children
- Ramona Quimby
- Ralph S. Mouse
- Goosebumps
- Dear America
- American Girl books
- The Baby-Sitters Club
- Nancy Drew
- Harry Potter
- Not Twilight
- Peter Pan
- Stargirl
- Maniac Magee
- Number the Stars
- Harry Potter
- Not Twilight
- The Lord of the Rings
- Siddhartha
- Brave New World
- 1984
- Anything by Charles Dickens, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Jane Austen, Khaled Housseini, and Stephen King
- Night
- The Bell Jar
- The Princess Diaries
- The Princess Bride
- Johnny Got His Gun
- Everything is Illuminated
- Wicked
- The Scarlet Letter
- Harry Potter
- Not Twilight
Chapter One: The Rule of Strollers
Strollers are man's worst nightmare. There's a simple rule when it comes to them, and if you listen to me and do what I say, then the world will know peace...
Strollers are sent from Satan himself. Do not buy one.
Here's the thing with strollers -- the only people they ever really benefit are children themselves. Stollers do not make anything easy for you. Here's why:
I know I'm only 20 years old (21 in less than 2 months now!!!), but trust me, I know my stuff. I just don't see the practicality in using strollers. They are a piece of crap. When I get married and have babies, I will not be in ownership of a stupid stroller. If I'm going somewhere where my kids need a stroller because they can't walk, then they just won't come.
Like Disney World.
If you need a stroller for your kids at Disney World, then they're too young to go anyway. They can't ride the fun rides, and they're too young to even be able to remember the trip in the first place. So you tried really hard to give your kids a great childhood memory, and they don't even remember it anyway. Think of all the money wasted! That's like watching the Eagles win the Super Bowl but missing it because you're totally wasted and it's the one thing you don't remember. Don't waste your money for your kids to have a drunken memory.
You can't even ride the cool rides because who's going to watch your kid? Donald Duck? I don't think so. I saw a friend almost get kicked out of Disney Land because he tried to dance with Belle. If Belle wouldn't dance with someone, I really doubt Donald Duck would baby-sit Jimmy and Sally while you're hooping it up on Rockin' Rollercoaster. I really doubt it.
Anyway, make your kids walk. These days, kids are getting obese anyways. They could really use the excersise. It's best to start them early.
Contrary to popular belief, strollers are not necessary for your children. It's best to start early teaching them how to sacrifice and appreciate the little things. I mean, I was a spoiled little brat and used strollers way later than I should have (that is, I shouldn't have ever used them in the FIRST place). My parents, Stephen Colbert bless them, are truly great. But they made one really big mistake very early on in my life, and that was keeping me in a stroller.
So anyway, strollers are evil. I hate them.
But if strollers happen to be your thing, then I mean. Go to it. But don't be offended if I glare at you and get annoyed with you. Not just me, but the rest of the stroller-hating world. We hate strollers, and we are strong and mighty.
Seriously, if you want to be a good parent, don't do it. Just don't.
Strollers are sent from Satan himself. Do not buy one.
Here's the thing with strollers -- the only people they ever really benefit are children themselves. Stollers do not make anything easy for you. Here's why:
- They take up room in your car
- They cost a lot of money
- Children outgrow them pretty quickly
- Once they learn how to walk, what the heck do you really need them for anyway?
- They get in everyone's way
I know I'm only 20 years old (21 in less than 2 months now!!!), but trust me, I know my stuff. I just don't see the practicality in using strollers. They are a piece of crap. When I get married and have babies, I will not be in ownership of a stupid stroller. If I'm going somewhere where my kids need a stroller because they can't walk, then they just won't come.
Like Disney World.
If you need a stroller for your kids at Disney World, then they're too young to go anyway. They can't ride the fun rides, and they're too young to even be able to remember the trip in the first place. So you tried really hard to give your kids a great childhood memory, and they don't even remember it anyway. Think of all the money wasted! That's like watching the Eagles win the Super Bowl but missing it because you're totally wasted and it's the one thing you don't remember. Don't waste your money for your kids to have a drunken memory.
You can't even ride the cool rides because who's going to watch your kid? Donald Duck? I don't think so. I saw a friend almost get kicked out of Disney Land because he tried to dance with Belle. If Belle wouldn't dance with someone, I really doubt Donald Duck would baby-sit Jimmy and Sally while you're hooping it up on Rockin' Rollercoaster. I really doubt it.
Anyway, make your kids walk. These days, kids are getting obese anyways. They could really use the excersise. It's best to start them early.
Contrary to popular belief, strollers are not necessary for your children. It's best to start early teaching them how to sacrifice and appreciate the little things. I mean, I was a spoiled little brat and used strollers way later than I should have (that is, I shouldn't have ever used them in the FIRST place). My parents, Stephen Colbert bless them, are truly great. But they made one really big mistake very early on in my life, and that was keeping me in a stroller.
So anyway, strollers are evil. I hate them.
But if strollers happen to be your thing, then I mean. Go to it. But don't be offended if I glare at you and get annoyed with you. Not just me, but the rest of the stroller-hating world. We hate strollers, and we are strong and mighty.
Seriously, if you want to be a good parent, don't do it. Just don't.
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